Dads Ink

The 2012 Wild Things Weekend started off with the anticipation of 100+ degree days. I'll be honest, I sent everyone an email asking who was still planning to go with the hopes of everyone bailing so I could hole myself up in my air conditioned house. Only one person bailed and they missed a fun-filled weekend with temps that didn't get close to 100 degrees.

On the drive, I had the radio turned off and was simply chatting away with my son, Ethan. After two hours of conversation he stops mid-sentence and asked how long we'd been talking. I said, "well, I suppose almost two hours." His response cracked me up (and maybe it tells you about kids these days). He said, "Wow! I didn't know we could talk this much! Is this what grown-ups do in the car?" "Yes, this is usually what grown-ups do on a car ride." I could tell how thrilled he was carrying a conversation that long. With discussions about weather, space, chemistry, robots, day camp, and spy gear, it was a moment I will cherish for as long as I am able to remember.

We had all the traditional camping experiences that weekend with a nice little dab of newbie watching where Dads Inc director, Brian Carter, experienced his first camping trip ever. I have to say he did alright (especially since he brought the burgers and dogs).

With hiking, canoeing, swimming, roasting marshmallows, and much more, the weekend was a success and a ton of fun. Here are some memories:

I had to post this clip I heard on NPR today. Actually, I first caught the clip about all the overwhelming responses to the story and had to listen to it directly. It's a story about a dad and daughter and their dance on her wedding day. Take a few minutes to listen.

 

School's out and you surprise your boy (or girl) with the midnight showing of a cool new movie. You wait in line to get a decent seat, grab some popcorn, and then watch the previews. Just as you're settling in you look down to see the smile on your boy's face. The movie starts and then some of the action sequences you expected. The movie gets louder, except the gunfire sounds very different and there is a feeling of panic that has already begun. Just then you see a crazed lunatic walking down the aisle shooting.... what do you do?

This is not a trick question. There is no right answer. We don't go into movie theaters thinking there is a chance someone will come in shooting... at least we didn't used to.

I've replayed this scene in my head countless times. It's me and my kids and I'm throwing them into a heap on the floor and covering them with every square inch of myself I can muster just hoping the shooting will stop quickly. Just the thought makes me tear up. There is no tough guy. No hero. Just me becoming a human shield. But then, I've had four days to walk through the scene multiple times. It's easy to make adjustments and envision the sequence of events.

In reality, though, there is no sequence - just senseless chaos. Before you really realize what's going on it's over. 

My heart cries out in anger and sadness to those dads, moms, grandparents, brothers, sisters, boyfriends, girlfriends, and the friends who lost somebody last Friday in Aurora, Colorado. Life will never be the same.

So what do you do? I hope we'll never have to know.

This past Tuesday I enjoyed the beginning of Father's Day week with my dad, the Dads Inc founder, Chris Maples, and his wife Colleen. We met at the Rathskellar for dinner and a beer and then went to the Willie Nelson concert at the Murat. It was a great way to start the week.

I'm a huge Willie fan for one main reason. Growing up, my family went camping a lot and often ended up somewhere in Kentucky. Every time we crossed the Kentucky state line my dad would say "Alright, we're in Kentucky, gotta listen to country music!"

Back in the early 80's it seemed like every third country song was Willie Nelson. On the Road Again, Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain, Good Hearted Woman, Angel Flying too Close to the Ground, Whiskey River, and many more. Classic country songs from a very unique voice and songwriter. Willie is 79 now and can still play and sing pretty well.

My dad turns 60 this year and just put in for retirement from the police department where he's been for nearly 40 years. It wasn't an easy decision for him. As a homicide detective, he says that he "has front row tickets to the greatest freak show on earth." I can vouch for that from all the random, gruesome pictures he's shown me. As a person who likes to shock others, he'll say something like "hey, want to see what happens to a guy who jumps off a bridge and lands in front of a Mack truck?" Yeah, sorry for that image. It's probably not far off from what you're imagining now, though. 

Friday night found me at the Grill on Indy's northeast side. My dad's classic rock and oldies band, KLAS, was playing and he asked if I could help them setup. All the guys are mid-50's to 60 something and that night, they all had some sort of ailment. One had to take a muscle relaxer before playing, one just had a major surgery in March, and the others, well, let's just say arthritis is a bitch. Yet, they still love to play music together and put up with the little aches and pains for the pure joy it brings to them.

I play a little guitar myself and I credit my dad for leading me to that talent. I had access to all his music equipment from guitars to harmonicas to amps and mics. It was fun growing up with all that.

My dad came to all my games - football, baseball, soccer, and basketball - despite me not being an all-star athlete. He also came to all my after school programs from bad band performances to talent shows to science fairs. He was there and supportive. When I wanted to start my first business in the 9th grade building custom furniture he loaned me the $500 for the tools and supplies I needed to get started. I paid him back that same summer.

He led by example, one that I still follow today with my own children. I go to all the games, after school programs, and even the day camp cookouts where I seem to get the same amount of food as the kids. 

Sometimes he brought out the iron fist and sometimes the soft heart. He managed both sides equally well. I did some bad things when I was younger, mostly out of curiosity and not anger or destructiveness. I spray painted the house, put a knife into my parent's water bed, played with matches, and pounded an entire box (1000's) of 10 penny nails into the front yard. And when I was nine I was about to get my last confrontation with dad's belt (remember, it was the early 80's before spanking your kids became a criminal offense). I remember laying across his knees, scared to death. As his hand came up for the first whack I bolted. I sprinted out the door and into the hallway and by the time I reached the end all I could think was, "Oh, God. What did I just do!" Then I heard, "Get your butt back in here!" Fearing the worst, I crawled back slowly, with tears in my eyes and an inability to speak except to say, "I'm s-s-s-s-sorry!"

Dad looked at me with what seemed like rage in his eyes and then he smiled and started laughing. "I guess you get the point," he said and then gave me a hug and let me go. That was actually a turning point in my childhood. I never really did anything as bad as cutting waterbeds or spray painting houses after that.

There are certainly a lot of dads in the world that want nothing to do with their kids. I can only assume they are selfish, self-centered individuals that don't give much thought or time to other people. But there are an amazing number of dads, like my own, that live the trials and tribulations of fatherhood every day and embrace it with hearts of gold. These are the dads that cry when their children are born (me), get peed and pooped on and still manage a smile, build tents out of blankets, give their sons slingshots, and have tea parties with their daughters and two of her make believe friends.

But it's also about being a father and not a friend. A father loves his kids but sets and maintains boundaries. A father will scold their children for doing something bad (yet cute) and then laugh to the point of crying while retelling the incident to his wife. A father will always put the long term growth and development of their kids above the immediate need to "keep them happy." Sure, we all want happy kids but we want our kids to grow into mature adults too.

So, to all you dads out there who love their children but give them boundaries; who strive for happiness but draw the line when necessary; thank you. Thank you for your best efforts raising mature and capable individuals.

And to my own dad, for your continued support, direction, and love - thank you!

http://theriskykids.com/about/

My sister posted this website on Facebook and I found it fascinating, mostly because I think I am a little too risk-averse with my own kids at times. "Get down", "Don't do that", "You're going to hurt yourselves" are phrases often heard from me. After saying any of those, I wonder to myself why I didn't just let them have fun. And if they get a couple bumps and bruises, big deal.

The Risky Kids site that is dedicated to "risky" behavior, the type of behavior that used to be normal when I was a kid. It is filled with great ideas and lessons about how risky play improves children's confidence and let's them explore and experience with greater freedom.

About a week ago, Tuesday March 20th, we conducted our first Dad's Night - an evening for Dads and their children to learn, play, and meet others. Our theme was communication and was led by Brian Carter, Dads Inc Director.

This was our first event of this type and I wasn't sure what to expect (since I didn't do any of the planning). As soon as our first guests arrived, though, we dove into the meeting head first and didn't look back.

Brian put together a fantastic and energetic event that I would recommend to any father. We played with a large selection of toys and games, shared a meal together, took part in some family challenges on communication, and listened to our speaker, Michael Ray, from Passport.

Michael spoke about non-verbal communication, or paraverbal communication, the language of tone, volume, and cadence. We've all heard throughout our lives that body language makes up the majority of our communication but Michael brought this understanding to us and expanded on it through different exercises. The goal was to reinforce the idea of "it's not what you say, it's how you say it" and Michael brought this down to a level where kids from 3 and older could understand it.

Having launched a successful new quarterly event with Dads Night, I'm proud to be a part of this organization and look forward to upcoming events. What a great way to spend an evening with your kids!

Keep an eye out for our next Dads Night in May!

This is a very nice post from a fellow Hoosier. Just thought I'd share it:

http://www.thecotas.com/2012/01/is-the-parenting-bargain-worth-it/

This is for Eric Vermilion from his daughter. It's the little things that sometimes melt your heart....

The following is a list of resources for monitoring your child's online activity provided by Mr. Ben Eades, Tech Support Manager for The Villages.

Monitoring Online Devices: Resources for Parents (as of 9/21/11)

-These resource links will inevitably become outdated as these companies continually update and revise their own websites.  Do not hesitate to search for words and phrases like “parental controls” and “monitoring” on the companies main website search area in order to get to any new material that they put out.

Microsoft Safety & Security Center  http://www.microsoft.com/security/family-safety/childsafety-steps.aspx

Use Parental Controls or Windows Live Family Safety to:

-Create user accounts for different children (or based on age groups of kids) and you.  Make your account the administrator account, and kids accounts as Limited Users (so they can’t change system files or install software or hardware)

-Block inappropriate content, set time limits, ratings for games, allow only or block only lists based on age

-Monitor those other users’ activities

Microsoft PowerPoint Presentation download location:

http://www.microsoft.com/security/resources/powerpoint.aspx

Microsoft Security, privacy, and online safety brochures and fact sheets

http://www.microsoft.com/security/resources/brochures.aspx

Parental CONTROLS on APPLE mobile DEVICES

iTunes Parental Controls

http://support.apple.com/kb/ht1904

iPhone, iPad, and iPod touch: Understanding Restrictions

http://support.apple.com/kb/HT4213

Parental CONTROLS on the APPLE mac PC (OSX)

http://www.apple.com/findouthow/mac/#parentalcontrols

Google  Family Safety Center    http://www.google.com/familysafety/

SafeSearch : must lock settings with gmail account : doesn’t block other search engine results : Can use on phone (but not lock?)

YouTube Safety Mode: Not 100% accurate (no filtering is), can lock safety settings with your YouTube password???

Android Market Ratings: uses a PIN to lock the settings:  “This flag and removal system has proven to be extraordinarily successful at YouTube and continues to facilitate the openness that is intrinsic to the Web. Thirty-five hours of video are uploaded to YouTube every minute, ensuring maximum innovation and expression. The platform effectively relies on a community of users to police and monitor its content. We hope to replicate if not improve upon this model.”

Advice from Partners: Good area to explore and learn more about the issues

Video Tips from Google Parents: Vic Gundotra, Vice President Engineering, Google – “It is incredibly important for parents to stay involved.  It is a mistake to allow children to have unlimited, unmonitored access to the internet.  Certainly you wouldn’t leave your child alone in the middle of a city.”

More Resources: Faux Paw the Techno Cat internet safety series for children

Other resources

GetNetWise.org -  “Other”  Monitoring Tools List (44 results as of 9/20/11)

http://kids.getnetwise.org/tools/monitors

GetNetWise.org Online Safety Guide, Tools for Family, Web Sites for Kids, Reporting trouble

http://kids.getnetwise.org/

Internet Safety Tips for Parents, Kids, Sample Contracts in English and Spanish

Family Online Safety Institute http://www.fosi.org/

ParentFurther.com – Online Safety, Mobile Technology, Social Networking, Video Games

http://www.parentfurther.com/technology-media/activitiesandquizzes/decactivity.shtml

Internet Safety Educator – educational blog, tons of information and resources

http://internetsafetyeducator.com/

Parental Controls on Gaming Consoles

  http://internetsafetyadvisor.squarespace.com/my-newspaper-columns/  - Good overview newspaper article for parents.

Xbox Family Center

http://www.xbox.com/en-US/Live/Family

Nintendo Support for the Wii (and their other gaming consoles – Nintendo DS and 3DS)

http://www.nintendo.com/consumer/systems/wii/en_na/settingsParentalControls.jsp

Sony Playstation PS3 and PSP Security Settings

http://us.playstation.com/support/parents/index.htm

Parental Controls on television cable boxes

Comcast – for cable and DVR subscribers

http://www.comcast.com/Corporate/Customers/ParentalControls.html

Insight Cable Parental Controls

http://www.myinsight.com/documents/help/ParentalControlsTips.pdf

DirecTV Parental Controls

http://support.directv.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/1766/~/parental-controls

Dish Network Parental Controls

http://www.usdish.com/dish-network-blog/dish-parental-controls.html

REMEMBER

1. PC and gaming consoles in public area

2. Have a family Contract for Internet Use

3. Be a friend, explain the need for monitoring, enforce the rules

4. Dive in and attack those devices!  -You can learn how to use this software as good as anyone else can, including tech-savvy kids!

5. Teach your kids that: If you wouldn’t wear it, don’t share it

As we prepare to celebrate Father's Day this weekend, I want to talk about how we, the dads of today, grow and influence the dads of tomorrow. 

Where does a man primarily learn his fathering skills?  He learns them from his own dad.  For better or worse, when a man becomes a dad, he will draw on his own experiences with his father in order to father his child.  Our tagline at Dads Inc. is "building generations of involved dads and thriving kids" for that reason - the way we father leaves a legacy for generations to come.  That legacy can be either positive or negative.  It is up to us - today's dads, particularly those of us with sons - to mold the future generations of our family.

 With his little eyes watching every move you make, it's easy to think you're going to mess up no matter how hard you try.  And you will.  We all do because there is no such thing as a perfect parent.  Just get over that fear.  What's more important is how you handle those mess-ups.  Did you admit your mistake and apologize or just ignore it and move on?  Remember - his little eyes are watching.  That is an essential lesson for a dad to teach his son. 

 Additionally, I see four other lessons that are essential for dads to take the lead in positively guiding his son to understanding.

 HOW TO TREAT WOMEN

Chivalry?  Respect?  Partnership?  Your son is going to take your lead on treating women this way.  Whether it is your wife, your ex-wife, your mom or a total stranger, the way you interact and engage with women is the standard for how your son will treat them.  If you call his mom a "bitch" - to him women can be "bitches".  But if you call his mom your friend and partner, women will be his equal and he will respect them.  And really, it's not just women, but how to treat people in general.  The Golden Rule is golden for a reason.

 SHOW EMOTION AND AFFECTION

How's that old nursery rhyme go?  Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.  Boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails.  So we think our sons should be a little rough and tumble, rambunctious and manly.  This is all well and good, as long as "manly" means know how to control and deal with your emotions and being able to openly show affection.  Dads, if you're having violent or loud outbursts when you get mad, you are not setting the right example of how to control and properly deal with emotions.  You need to show them that it is ok to cry, but it's not ok to cuss and hit things or people.  And if you're not hugging and kissing those boys and telling them you love them every day, not only are you missing one of the most precious parts of fatherhood, you're also instilling in them the belief that showing affection is not something men do. 

 GROW SPIRITUALLY

I'm not necessarily only talking about church or religion here, though those are certainly two aspects of spiritual growth.  I'm talking about teaching him to appreciate ideas and concepts larger than ourselves, about nature and our impact on it, about being in awe of the Universe and all the wonders it holds.  If you don't talk about it with him or teaching him its importance, you're stunting his growth, spiritually and intellectually.  Out of wonder comes knowledge - knowledge of one's self and one's world.

 SELF-EDUCATION

No question you should be involved in his schooling.  From being active in the PTA to helping him with his homework, you need to be as active and engaged in his formal education as his mom is.  But what about his time out of school?  How does he come to appreciate the arts?  How does he learn to learn to play a musical instrument?  How does he learn to take the sound bite he hears on a political ad as only part of a larger, more complicated story?  You teach him how to read, how to play, how to investigate.  You teach him to learn to think on his own.  You teach him it's ok to ask questions, even to authority figures, even if that's you.  In short, you teach him to be his own man.

If you follow these rules will you raise the perfect son?  Nope.  But you are going to raise a fine young man.  And so will he.

Happy Father's Day!

I guess this video went viral a couple of weeks ago, but I just heard about it today.  Check it out: http://deadspin.com/#!5782089/revenge-of-the-bullied-casey-becomes-an-icon

Immediately upon viewing it, I felt so bad for the kid being bullied.  I felt an old knot and sickness in my stomach that I hadn't felt in a long time.  I was that same kid, Casey, being bullied. 

In middle school, I was the fat kid, the one that was always degraded and always bullied.  And it didn't help that my family was not well off.  For three years, I was that kid.  I was called "fat ass", "loser", "worthless", and as many other names that you can think of.  I was degraded on a daily basis.  People would just hit me in the back for no reason.  Try to trip me, push me, knock books out of my hands or push my lunch try to the floor.

In elementary school, I was the kid that loved school.  In middle school, I absolutely hated every day that I had to be there.  And don't even get me started on gym class.  Still to this day, I still can't completely understand why I didn't defend myself all those times.  And then one time, I did.

I was Casey.

It was 8^th grade.  It was gym class.  We were practicing wrestling.  My main bully was this smaller, thinner punk kid named Willie Cogdill.  Willie had tormented me daily for the three years of middle school.  Willie and his two little stooges - I can't even remember their names - made my life a living hell.  By not sticking up for myself over those three years, I held all that pain and resentment in.  Until that day in gym. 

You had to challenge someone to wrestle.  Everyone was calling on Willie to challenge me and kick my "fat ass."  A lot of my other tormentors were in that class, too.  They thought it was hilarious when I challenged him.

And when we started, he took me down fast to the pleasure of that crowd.  Then something inside me snapped.  I came up off the matt, grabbed Willie by the neck and pushed him to the ground like he was as light as a feather.  Pushing his face in the matt, I climbed my "fat ass" up on his back, put each of his arms under my legs so he couldn't move them, reached behind me and grabbed both of his legs that were kicking about.  I started to pull. 

I wasn't trying to beat him.  I was trying to maim him.  In that moment, three years of anguish came spewing out, and I want to pull his legs out of their sockets.  I wanted to break them.  I wanted to push my knees so hard into his lungs that he would black out.  I wanted him to physically feel the same pain he had caused me emotionally. 

And I was well on my way to accomplishing all of that when the gym teacher, that same adult who never did anything to protect me when Willie was hurting me, started pulling me off of him.  I wasn't budging, but he finally pulled me off.  Willie's cheerleaders sat in stunned silence.

Then it was over.  My rage and being bullied.  The word must have quickly spread, and I was never bullied again.  Willie never spoke another word to me, and I was absolutely fine with that.

I was Casey, because I seriously doubt that little twerp will ever say anything derogatory to Casey again. 

The good thing is that neither Willie nor Casey's tormentor were seriously injured.  But it's difficult for me to feel any sympathy for Casey's bully.  I'm a believer in the adage that says "you reap what you sow".  But chances are that he's never fully going to reap it.  He's not going to have to deal with the self-esteem and self-doubt that Casey is.  He's not going to have to deal with the insecurities, even later in life, which Casey is.  Part of me thinks he got off real easy.

But I do feel one small piece of sadness for him.  What is his life like to drive him to treat other people the way he does?  What is his father like to him?  Why does he think its ok just to hit other people in the face for no reason whatsoever?  That's a sad life.

I was asked by a reporter the other day what a dad should do if he thinks his child is the one who is being the bully at school.  I would now answer that question by showing my kid this video.  I would show him how pathetic that kid looks.  I would make sure he understood the emotional abuse that he was causing.  Then I would warn him about the anger that the kid being bullied can unleash on him in just a matter of seconds.  We would talk about how hazardous it is to back a wild animal into a corner.

If I was the bully's father, of course I would be sympathetic to my child being injured.  But what if I was Casey's dad?

Twitter is a great marketing tool!  A young entrepreneur, Mr. Steven Gordon, contacted me about his company TattooID and wanted me to check out his product. He was even honored last October at The White House by President Obama for his winning elevator pitch of his product in the National Youth Entrepreneurship Challenge!

The product is simple but brilliant, particularly for someone without children.  He has created a child-themed temporary safety tattoo that lists your child's initials and your phone number to use when you're going out in large crowds or other places in which you could become separated from your child.  It gives you an extra tool to keep your child safe, and it makes the whole process fun for your child and easy to remember what it is and what it's for in the event you two become separated. 

The tattoos come in a variety of themes, from rocket ships to secret agents to princesses to ice cream.  They measure a small 1.4" x 1.8" - enough to be readable by an adult, but also small enough to hide under the arm of your child's shirts.  They come in sets of 10, and cost $7.99 per set - a small price to pay as a parent to give you a little extra peace of mind and to arm your child with a little extra protection.  DISCLAIMER: This is where I have to inform you that I did not pay for the tattoos I received - Mr. Gordon sent them to me at no cost for me to examine.

As the father of two small boys under age 5 who like to run around like madmen, I definitely recommend these TattooIDs.  We take the boys to large events like the 500 Festival Kids Day all the time, and I know my boys will be sporting these!

You can find them on the TattooID website - www.thetattooid.com, or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/TattooID and on Twitter at www.twitter.com/TattooID. 

I got an email from my old college roommate the other evening saying that his dad had passed away after a two-year battle with cancer.  I hadn't seen the man in 12 years or so, but I always liked him.  He was a good dad to Aaron (my roommate), and he was a good second dad to all of Aaron's friends.  I hated to hear that another good person had passed.

The family wasn't having a public service, and the body was being cremated.  So to pay my respects, I wanted to make memorial contribution to whatever charity the family had chosen, so I looked up the obit online.  Reading it made me remember something else that was pretty somber - Aaron is eventually going to be all alone.  He's an only child, and he and his wife have no kids and won't be having any.  Both his mom and dad were only children, as well.  Not only is he going to be all alone, he's going to be the end of his ancestral line.

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks it sad.  Or maybe it's a guy thing.  I know my wife and I have talked about similar things before and she doesn't really see the big deal, particularly since she was the one to change her last name.  I, on the otherhand, finds it pretty depressing to think that my lineage would end. 

I have been able to trace my ancestral lineage back eight generations before me, to the early 1700s and Colonial America.  That history of my ancestors means something to me.  And I'm an only child.  I feel it my duty to carry that on.  I guess it's how I know that I'm leaving my mark in history.  And don't get me wrong - I'm not saying its wrong that he isn't having children.  I'm just saying that it would bother me to know that I'm the last of my line - that lineage will die with me.

Would it bother you?